


The Race For The Piss Rock

by TheGreyTiger



Category: Despicable Me (Movies), Minecraft (Video Game), Shrek (Movies), Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types, The Lorax (2012)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29730174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreyTiger/pseuds/TheGreyTiger
Summary: The piss rock gets activated accidentally, teleporting everyone that was on the Space Colony ARK- and more elsewhere -into a new world, which happens to be a lot like their own. Along the way, Sonic finds his scattered friends and meets new people who *kind of* help him through this new place.
Relationships: Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF)/The Once-ler (The Lorax), Shadow the Hedgehog/Shrek (Shrek)
Kudos: 2





	1. Prologue

For some reason, these idiots were on the Space Colony ARK. They had formed a semi-circle around or in front of Dr. Eggman. I don't know, I think they're trying to corner him. In the middle of them, on the floor, laid the piss rock, the yellow chaos emerald. Sonic had dropped it and left it there. Nobody seemed to be caring about it at the moment. The main focus right now was Dr. Eggman. A clinking noise sounded at their feet. They looked down and saw the piss rock rolling around.

"WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT?" Dr. Eggman yelled as the piss rock started floating upwards. It stopped high out of reach and started spinning around slowly. The cunts watched it in silence for a few moments. Dr. Eggman then glared at Sonic. "WHAT DID YOU DO!?"

"I didn't do anything to it!" Sonic snapped at him.

"YOU WERE THE LAST ONE HOLDING IT!"

"Stop using caps!" Tails told DR. EGGMAN off.

"NO U!"

The piss rock started picking up speed as it rotated in the air. It began to let off a glow which would have been amazing if it had been a good thing.

"What is it doing?" Asked Shadow, glancing at Sonic.

"I have no idea," Sonic answered quietly, his eyes fixed on the emerald.

"SONIC!" Amy screamed. "SAVE ME!"

"FUCK OFF."

"Why are we just standing here?" Rouge almost-shrieked out.

"Come on, bitch. Let's leave," Knuckles said, grabbing Rouge's wrist and running towards the exit.

"Don't call me a bitch, you bastard." They both stopped when the piss rock started to shine, casting a yellow light on everything. Everyone just stood there, staring at the damn thing. It was clear that the piss rock's intention wasn't to slow down any time soon. The yellow shine was beginning to get hard to look at, making the furries and fatass shield their eyes with their hands. The room suddenly flooded with a bright white light. Everyone screamed, the loudest being DR. EGGMAN'S as their ears started ringing and their visions transitioned to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna regret this, aren't I?


	2. Chapter 1: What The Fuck Is That?

The Once-ler was peacefully rocking back and forth in his rocking chair at the front of his cottage. Pipsqueak was curled up on his lap, fast asleep. He occasionally petted the barbaloot, absentmindedly mumbling lyrics to a certain song called Biggering as he day dreamed of his thneed being a successful product.

Something caught his eye. It was up in the sky and wasn't there for very long. Someone or some _thing_ fell out of what looked like a glowing yellow circle. Must have been a portal or some shit like that. Whatever had fallen out of it was now hurtling towards the ground. The Once-ler could see that the thing was blue and could make out a bit of tan and red. He watched it disappear behind the truffula trees.

The Once-ler looked at the group of animals that were gathered around him. "You guys saw that too, right?" He asked them, making sure he wasn't crazy or if his eyes were playing tricks. The animals nodded their heads. The Once-ler roused Pipsqueak awake. The young koala thing lazily got up and slid off The Once-ler's lap. He stood up from the chair and took a few steps forward, hoping to see the thing from where he was standing. Melvin whinney-hee-hawed at him, making The Once-ler turn to him. "Calm down, bud." He put his hands out in front of him. "I'm not going over there."

Melvin pinned his ears back and stared at him, knowing damn well that he _was_ going to go see what it was.

"Alright," he sighed. "If anything happens, I'll come straight back, okay?"

The mule gave a satisfied snort.

The Once-ler started walking towards the crash site with the animals following anxiously. He noticed Pipsqueak down by his feet, still half asleep. The small barbaloot bumped into The Once-ler's legs when he stopped walking. The Once-ler crouched down and picked Pipsqueak up. He stood back up straight and looked behind. Melvin was keeping up with him, probably only coming along to make sure that his owner didn't do anything stupid. The Once-ler decided to put Pipsqueak on Melvin's back. He gave both Pipsqueak and Melvin a pat before continuing.

Soon The Once-ler was able to catch glimpses of the thing through the truffula trees. He proceeded with caution. The closer he got, the easier it was to see the thing's features. The Once-ler paused behind a small boulder and watched it. The animals peered from behind.

 _"What the fuck is that?"_ The Once-ler whisper-shouted, turning to the animals. They all shrugged. As he looked at it again, The Lorax's face appeared right in front of his. The Once-ler yelped and jumped back, landing on his ass. His hat now sat crookedly on his head. "What the Hell is wrong with you?" He asked, angry since that was the second time the orange cunt had teleported in front of him. The first being after The Once-ler chopped down the tree on the first day.

"I should be asking you the same thing, beanpole. You don't even know what that is, yet you're willing to approach it with nothing to defend yourself with."

The Once-ler straightened his hat. "It's probably harmless," he responded.

 _"Pfft._ Harmless?" The Lorax laughed in his face. "Are you being serious?"

"Yes."

"Are you kidding me? Look at it," The Lorax gestured to the thing. "It's got spikes on the back of it's head! It looks deadly!"

"I'm still going to give it a chance," The Once-ler said, getting up and passing the boulder by a few steps.

"It needs to wake up before you can do anything. And what if it's dead?"

"Well, simple," he stopped, turning around. "We bury it."

"You. Not we," the lazy bastard corrected.

The Once-ler crept towards the blue alien. He could see it's chest faintly rising and falling, so it was in fact still alive after the fall. It must have hit a truffula tuft before landing on the ground.

Melvin made a noise, gaining The Once-ler's attention. The Once-ler looked at the mule and held his hand up, signalling the mule to stop.

When The Once-ler was at the thing's side, he crouched down. He hesitated before shaking it's shoulders. The thing's eyes flew open and it sat up quickly, making The Once-ler shriek and fall back in fear. He wasn't expecting it to be so fast. The thing looked around frantically. "Where am I?" It cried. Both The Once-ler and The Lorax were surprised that it could talk and speak fluent English.

"Uh," The Once-ler glanced over at The Lorax. "You're in the truffula forest near Greenville," he explained.

"Green Hill?" The thing seemed confused.

"No, Green _ville,"_ The Once-ler corrected the thing.

The Lorax sat down on the boulder and slid off. He walked over to the thing and The Once-ler, rubbing his ass because it fucking hurt. "Do you have a name?"

"Yeah, it's Sonic. Sonic The Hedgehog."

"You're supposed to be a hedgehog? And why the fuck do we all have 'the' in our names?" The Lorax glanced up at The Once-ler. The dude shrugged in response. "So," The Lorax looked back at Sonic, crossing his arms. "Where are you from?"

"I'm.." Sonic started to look dizzy. "From..." Cunt fell back and went unconscious.

A barbaloot crept forward and sniffed Sonic. The Once-ler reached forward and grabbed the bear. He set it down further away from the 'hedgehog.' "Should we take him back to my cottage?"

"I don't know. If the thing destroys it, it's your own fault."

"Alright." The Once-ler picked Sonic up and held him bridal style. The Once-ler, The Lorax, and the animals started making their way back to the cottage. Pipsqueak reached out, trying to touch Sonic's spines as Melvin walked beside his owner. The Once-ler took a few steps away from them.

* * *

Sonic opened his eyes and saw that he was in a different place again. _What the fuck? Did I get teleported again? Does Eggman have the piss rock?_ Sonic sat up with his hands behind him for support. He was on a bed that had a fucked up frame. Across the room, tall guy and furry midget were standing near some furnace thing, talking to each other.

"Did you get bullied in town? Is that why you were crying? And why would you go into town with this thing still here? What if it woke up while you were gone?" Asked mini Eggman.

"I've explained this to you many times," stick bitch said, sounding annoyed. "I'm just trying to sell my thneed. And I'm sure if he woke up, you would have been just fine."

"I have more important things to do than babysit a fucking alien," the thing retorted.

"Oh, really? Like what?"

"Like... watching the trees. They're more important."

"I'm pretty sure the trees are going nowhere," the guy said, his expression and voice telling Sonic that he was just about done with the thing's shit.

"If you keep chopping them down, they'll surely be going somewhere." It noticed Sonic looking at it and glanced up. "It's finally awake," Danny DeVito said as Ed Helms met Sonic's eyes and went over to him.

"How are you feeling?" The hipster asked the hedgehog.

"Better," Sonic responded as he got a good view of the place and the people who seemed to have kidnapped him.

"Would you like anything? Maybe a glass of water?" The guy offered.

"Water would be nice." Sonic was surprised by the kindness the young man was showing him. He wasn't too surprised that the short, hairy Eggman-looking thing was doing the opposite. That thing was just staring at him. Not in a good way. _Fuckin' hell, that's creepy._

The human went over to the fridge, opened the door, and grabbed a bottle from inside. He closed the door with his hip and grabbed a nearby glass. Sonic watched him as he poured the water into the cup. He left the bottle on a counter and walked back to the bed. "Here," the guy handed the glass to the blue hedgehog.

"Thank you." The bastard remembered his manners. Sonic took a sip.

"We haven't introduced ourselves, have we?" The human glanced behind himself at mini Eggman. Mini Eggman shook his head. "In that case, my name is The Once-ler. And that's my friend, The Lorax."

"I speak for the trees," The Lorax explained his job or whatever.

"Alright..." _Speak for the trees? Is he some tree activist?_ "Is there anything I can eat here? I reckon last time I ate was hours ago."

"Um," The Once-ler thought for a few seconds. "I don't have any cat food, so I'll ha-"

"Don't give me the 'hedgehogs eat cat food' shit," Sonic snapped at The Once-ler. God damn it, why does everyone assume that's his diet? "I want some real food." Sonic paused after seeing The Once-ler's concerned expression. "Sorry," he apologised quietly.

"No, that's alright," The Once-ler said, unsure about shit after Sonic's outburst. "I don't have much here, but if you want, you can go pick some truffula fruit from outside," he suggested.

"Is that your way of kicking him out?" Asked The Lorax.

"What?" The Once-ler turned around. "No."

Sonic swung his legs over the side of the bed. "I guess I'm going fruit picking." He pushed himself off the bed and placed the glass on a small table before going over to the door.

"Make sure you don't go too far," The Once-ler warned. "I don't know how people would react if they saw you."

"Yeah, yeah," Sonic waved his hand. "Got it." He opened the door and left.

Outside was beautiful. Sonic hadn't properly noticed his surroundings when he first woke up on the grass. Fluffy white clouds were here and there in the blue sky. Barbaloots were frolicking. Swomee-swans were were flying. Humming-fish were... I don't know, swimming? When the animals saw Sonic, they seemed to stop and watch him. Sonic felt strange with all of their eyes on him. He looked at the truffula trees surrounding the clearing that The Once-ler's cottage was settled in. These trees were nothing like he had ever seen before. A few of the trees even had purple coloured fruits growing on them. _Those must be what The Once-ler was referring to._

There was one tree that had about five barbaloots gathered around the bottom. They were all nibbling on some truffula fruits. Sonic decided to approach them. "Hey guys," he greeted. "Can I try some?" He asked, extending his hand. The barbaloot that was sitting closest to him gave him one of the fruits that they had picked. So far there were no chunks taken out of it. Sonic checked the piece of fruit over, making sure that there wasn't any bruises or marks. It didn't look too bad. He sniffed it. Smelled alright. He bit into it. It tasted amazing!

When Sonic had finished eating the flesh off the fruit and tossed the core to the side, the barbaloots offered more. Sonic accepted the fruits, feeling delighted. The barbaloots were glad that Sonic liked the truffula fruit.

_Perhaps I should stay here. I really have no choice, either._

Some time later, Sonic had gone from enjoying fruits with the barbaloots to having a chat with them. They couldn't talk, but that didn't matter. Sonic must have disappeared for long enough because The Once-ler came outside, followed by The Lorax. They probably thought that he had wandered off into civilisation.

"Hey, Sonic," The Once-ler crouched beside Sonic and the barbaloots. "Are you still eating?"

"Nah, I stopped ages ago. I was just making new friends," Sonic said with a smile.

"That's great. So, where will you be heading to now?"

"What?"

"I figured that you weren't going to stay here, since we only just met and all," The Once-ler explained.

"Oh. Well, I was thinking that I could stay. If you don't want me to, that's okay."

"That's absolutely fine with me," The Once-ler said, leaning forwards. "The Lorax might not be too pleased, but you shouldn't worry about him," he whispered. "Right," The Once-ler backed up. "We need to make sleeping arrangements because I doubt you like sleeping outside."

"That is absolutely correct," Sonic responded, shooting a glare at The Lorax. That cunt couldn't be trusted.

The Once-ler stood up. "C'mon," he gestured for Sonic to follow. Sonic said his goodbyes to the barbaloots and as he was half way up off the ground, The Lorax appeared right in front of his face. Sonic froze, staring at him.

"Hurt any of these trees or creatures and you'll never see the light of day again," The Lorax threatened.

"Okay..." Sonic answered uncomfortably. He glanced back at the barbaloots. They had all fled. He turned back to The Lorax. The bastard was gone. "Ayo, what the fuck?" Sonic looked around the area. Midget Eggman was nowhere to be seen. Sonic shrugged and zipped into the cottage.


	3. Chapter 2: I Swear To God

DR. EGGMAN- never mind, we're not doing that anymore. *Ahem* ... Dr. Eggman had woken up behind a shop building and was now wandering around the town square aimlessly. After some time, he had discovered that the small town's name was Greenville. There wasn't very much in the town, but the views of the countryside seemed to make up for it's lack of functionality.

There had been some entertainment earlier. Some dumbass hipster was trying to sell something called a 'thneed.' He got tomatoes thrown at him, lmao.

* * *

 _Eggman had stood at the back of the crowd, watching the twink sing his annoying-ass song. Everyone was staring blankly and eventually threw tomatoes at him. When the guy finally gave up, the crowd started to_ _part. The hipster got off the gazebo and led his donkey- or was it a fucking mule, Eggman didn't know -away, probably going straight back to where he came from._ _Eggman walked up to him. The guy looked like he was on the verge of crying. He looked stupid with those stains on his vest._

 _"You know, you should just give up. And what the fuck is that thing around your neck? A towel? Your attempt at selling it was pathetic and a waste of time," Eggman had told him. The guy had tears running down his cheeks at that point. Eggman_ _stepped back and let the twink and his donkey walk away. Eggman felt proud of himself._

* * *

 _I swear to God,_ Eggman said in his head as he walked along the same stretch of path for the 100th time. _When I find Sonic, I'll wring his neck!_ Hold up- does Sonic even have a neck? Eggman stopped walking. Nope, that thought was never in his head- continuing...

The inhabitants of Greenville kept giving Eggman weird looks. It was understandable since he was from a-fucking-nother universe. Couldn't blame them. If the roles were reversed, he'd be doing the same thing.

Eggman was, to put it simple, stranded. He had nothing, absolutely nothing. Not even an idea as to what universe he was in. Eggman didn't think he'd have to study universes because he never thought of the possibility of an anthropomorphic hedgehog teleporting him into one. He knew a few though, just not this one.

When Eggman looked across the road, he saw a person. Obviously he did because it wasn't a ghost town. But this person in particular didn't seem to fit in. This person was one he recognised. A person that looked oddly like him. Tall, bald, big feet, no neck, big nose. Villain. _What the fuck?_

"Hey!" Eggman called from across the street, running out onto the road. That careless move forced a car to slam on the breaks. The driver started raging and honked the horn at him. Eggman flipped the driver off. _They're too intimidated by my looks to come out and fight me like a man._ Eggman got up onto the path the familiar guy was on. "Are you Gru?"

"H-how did you know my name?" Gru was confused. "And why am I here?"

"To put it simply.." _How the fuck do I explain this?_ "My arch nemesis handled a chaos emerald that we've dubbed the 'piss rock,' and then we must have all teleported here."

"That doesn't explain why."

"HOW THE FUCK CAN I TELL YOU IF EVEN I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M HERE?" Eggman screamed at Gru, getting everyone in the town square's attention.

"Okay, okay. Sorry," Gru apologised, even though Eggman should be the bastard doing it.

"Now," Eggman started. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Eggman. I come from a universe similar to this one, except mine has real life furries."

"Your world sounds..."

"Scary? I know. That hedgehog, my nemesis, is the reason why we're here. He's a powerful weapon that the government should have taken care of ages ago."

"Right. Do you know if there's any way that we can get back to our universes?"

Eggman thought for a moment. "If we can find the piss rock, we can use it to get back home."

"Do you know how to use it?"

"No, but we can learn! We're villains! Villains always find a way. Especially in movies."

"Yeah, and they also die at the end."

" _Shit_..."

They both stood silently for a few moments, thinking about what kind of fate they may have during the next few days, weeks, months, even years while still stranded here. "We'd need something for it, right?" Gru asked, breaking the silence. "Wouldn't we need a contraption to get the piss rock working?"

"I'm pretty sure Sonic just shook the cunt and then dropped it."

Screaming from across the town square thing interupted Eggman and Gru's conversation. "EY, MAMACITA! GOT ANY SPARE CHANGE?" Both villains looked across the road. The woman that a short Mexican was yelling at ignored him and kept walking.

"How many other bastards did the piss rock bring?" Eggman asked himself quietly.

Another guy, American this time, Eggman could smell it, appeared beside the Mexican. The thing that Eggman's eyes were drawn to was the American's white mask. It had an eerie smiley face that looked like it was drawn on with a sharpie. The American then turned his head and stared straight at Eggman and Gru.

"Come on," Eggman said, creeped out and walking away. "Let's get the fuck out of here."


	4. Chapter 3: Friend Search

"Woah!" The Once-ler gasped as Sonic showed off his incredible speed. They were outside in the clearing. "You're really fast!"

"I know." Sonic stopped in front of The Once-ler. "I'm surprised the government hasn't done anything yet."

"...So, um, how exactly did you get here again?"

"Me, my friends, and some fat cunt were fighting in a space station. I was holding the piss rock before- it was on the ground at this point -and it somehow turned on and teleported us here?" Sonic paced back and forth. "Chaos emeralds can teleport the user... but into other universes?" He stopped. "Even I'm surprised and shocked!" Sonic laughed out the last part.

"That's... that's quite hard to believe."

"It's literally out of this world stuff, so it's understandable."

"Am I in a dream? Is any of this real?" The Once-ler started questioning shit then slapped himself on the cheek. "Oh, no, this is real alright," he said quietly.

"Wait, what if _I'm_ the one dreaming? Slap me."

"What? No."

"Do it."

"I don't want to-"

"Just do it!" The Once-ler then slapped Sonic. Really, really hard. "OW- WHAT THE FUCK." Sonic held his hand to his face. "Can you teach me how to slap like that?"

_"cAn YoU tWo_ just shut the fuck up?" The Lorax interrupted whatever Sonic and The Once-ler were doing. "I'm trying to do a therapy session here."

"Who's your new client?" The Once-ler asked unenthusiastically.

"This humming-fish," The Lorax gestured to the fish sitting in front of him. "He says he saw you naked a few days ago and hasn't been the same since," The Lorax explained.

"That's his own fault. I warned him multiple times to get out. ..And how to you understand him?"

"I'm multilingual."

"Okay, that actually makes sense."

Sonic snuck into The Once-ler's cottage without either of the other two noticing. He looked around the place. It felt nice and cozy in here. The experience was even better while alone.

His 'bed' was just a messy pile of quilts on the ground. It would serve it's purpose well, though. Sonic let himself fall onto it and laid there for a few moments with his eyes closed. He could probably go to sleep if he wanted to... if it wasn't for the thing that kept nagging him in his mind. Sonic opened his eyes. Across the room, against the wall, was The Once-ler's electric guitar. He got up and went over to it. Upon closer inspection, it looked like it would break beyond repair if it ever got dropped.

Not his guitar, not his problem.

Sonic picked it up and held it like an unexperienced person would for the first time. Then he started jamming out on it. It sounded amazing even though it wasn't plugged into an amplifier... Sonic immediately threw it onto The Once-ler's bed when he heard running footsteps coming his way.

The Once-ler came into the cottage. "What are you doing?" He demanded as he saw his guitar on the bed and picked it up. Sonic watched him as he checked his guitar for any new damage. "Can you please not touch this without my permission?" The Once-ler asked, putting it back up against the wall.

"Fine, fine. Is there anything I can do around here?" In the blink of an eye, Sonic was sitting on the bed. "As in something to distract me?"

"From what?"

"I just.. I need to find my friends, but I don't want to.."

"Why not? They're your friends."

"Yeah, but. There's a specific one that gets on my nerves."

"That doesn't change the fact that you need to find them." The Once-ler crouched down. "You all need to get back home. You can't leave any of them behind. You need to go search for them."

"I haven't even been here for a day," Sonic complained.

The Once-ler stood up, "doesn't matter."

"Okay, okay. Just give me a few days." The Once-ler looked down at Sonic with an expression saying _no, you need to do it now._ "Tomorrow."

"Great," The Once-ler said with a smile. "And if you want, I can help you."

* * *

The afternoon had turned to night with the sky clear of clouds and a full moon shining brightly. The Once-ler had kicked Sonic out in the cold while he got changed into his pajamas. Sonic didn't mind the chilly air. While he waited, he kicked at the grass and then decided to run around. He hoped that it would get rid of some of his energy. Usually running never tired him out, so it was a small chance that it would actually work.

The Once-ler opened the door, making Sonic stop and rush back into the warm cottage. Sonic flopped down onto his 'bed.' "Where does The Lorax sleep?" He asked, getting comfortable.

"Who knows. I don't really mind as long as he doesn't decide to come inside during the night," The Once-ler said, hopping into his bed. "I've had that happen before."

"When are you going to teach me how to slap?" Sonic asked out of nowhere.

"Maybe tomorrow, after you find your friends. You'll have to take your gloves off, though."

"The gloves never come off," Sonic said creepily with no emotion whatsoever. He stared at The Once-ler for a few seconds with an unreadable expression.

"Wait, what?" The Once-ler felt uncomfortable.

"Goodnight." Sonic curled up and pulled part of the quilt over himself.

The Once-ler stared at Sonic for a few moments, thinking of nothing but the gloves and why Sonic avoided talking about them. He blinked. "Night." The Once-ler laid down and turned off the lamp.

* * *

Sonic woke up on his pile of quilts on the floor. He had had a decent sleep.

He was in a bad mood this morning. Not because of The Once-ler's snoring which lasted all night. No, it was because he knew that he had to find his dickhead friends today. _I hope they froze to death._ Sonic buried his head in the quilts. He wished that he could just go home without them. Especially Amy. Fuck that bitch.

The door to the cottage opened and Sonic lifted his head to see The Lorax hanging from the handle. The midget dropped down to the floor before giving Sonic a dirty look. Sonic watched the cunt grab two frying pans and hop onto The Once-ler's bed. Half way through a snore, The Lorax fucking _banged_ the bastards together over The Once-ler's face. The Once-ler jumped badly and stared wide-eyed at The Lorax.

"I want him supervised while he's around here," The Lorax said simply, jumping off the bed.

"Holy shit," The Once-ler whispered, still recovering from the scare. He rubbed his eyes and sat up on the edge of the bed. The Lorax returned the frying pans to where he found them and walked out the door.

Sonic looked at The Once-ler. "What's wrong with him?" The Once-ler shrugged. "Anyways," Sonic jumped to his feet. "I'm off to find my friends."

"You need to stay hidden, okay? We don't want people discovering you."

"Got it." And then Sonic walked out the door WITHOUT HAVING BREAKFAST.

"I hope he gets found."

The Once-ler turned to see that The Lorax was now standing in the middle of the floor. "Why do you keep _doing that?"_

* * *

_This shit's going by too fast,_ Sonic thought. He had been running around the forest for about 47 minutes, 'searching' for his friends. There was no sign of them yet, fortunately. Sonic slowed down to a walk because he was afraid that if he continued running, he'd find them faster than he'd like. But he didn't want to find them at all. That was the very last thing he wanted.

Just as Sonic was about to quit this and make some bullshit up to The Once-ler about being tired, he heard a voice. He stopped and pricked his ears.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M NEVER SEEING MY BOYFRIEND AGAIN?" Amy.

 _Oh, for fuck's sake. She survived._ Sonic peered through the trees and saw not one, but two shapes on the ground. One pink, one yellow/orange/I don't know. He crept forward. This _would_ have been a bad idea, since he was blue and stood out like dog's balls. But they were asleep. Amy was just doing her usual sleep-screaming. Perhaps Tails said something yesterday to trigger that last one. Amy was stretched out on the grass, snoring just as bad, if not worse, than The Once-ler. Tails was curled up against a boulder, his hands held to his ears.

Sonic just wanted to go straight back to The Once-ler's cottage and say that he couldn't find them. _But that'd be lying straight to his face. I just can't do that. He's too friendly._

Sonic snuck over to the anime fox. He tried to be as quiet as possible because he swore that Amy had some kind of detection system. One that would alert her of any noise created by Sonic. When he got to Tails, Sonic shook his shoulders. "Fuck off, Amy," Tails mumbled.

"I'm not that bitch," Sonic just about hissed at him.

Tails blinked his eyes open and was stunned to see his friend. "Sonic!" He cried joyfully.

"SHH!" Sonic glanced behind to check on Amy. She was still asleep, thank God. "C'mon, let's go." He gestured for Tails to follow and started walking back towards the cottage's direction.

"What about Amy?"

"Forget her."

They had almost escaped when. "OH, SONIC!" _FUCK._

"Amy!" Sonic pretended to be happy to see her, as if he wasn't about to abandon her. She ran up to Sonic and hugged him. "Get off," Sonic growled.

"I'm so glad that you're okay!" Amy let go and put her hands on his face. He shoved her away, but she still stood too close for Sonic's liking. "See, Tails, I told you he was alright."

"Yes, you told me that every five minutes." Oh, that poor fox.

"Come on. I'm taking you guys back to where I spent the night," Sonic told them, mainly aiming it towards Tails. _I'm gonna regret this._

"Ooh, is it somewhere _romantic?"_ Amy asked.

"No." Sonic said, shutting her off. Or so he thought.

* * *

The trip back to The Once-ler's was terrible. Amy just wouldn't _leave him alone._ Sonic was on the verge of throwing her into the nearby river. Not having to deal with her ever again sounded nice. Tails had remained a few metres away from the two hedgehogs. _He's probably glad that I'm her main focus now. Hopefully she decides that she likes The Once-ler more than me- wait- shit, we don't want an 06 repeat. Nope._

When they arrived, they found The Lorax outside on The Once-ler's rocking chair. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING, BRINGING _THEM_ HERE?!" The Lorax shouted, jumping up from his seat.

"The Once-ler is fine with it, so it's okay," Sonic said to him.

  
"IS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND?" Amy pointed to The Lorax. Sonic ignored her.

  
"I speak for the trees for the trees have no tongues," The Lorax started, getting off the chair and walking towards them. "And I am asking you at the top of my lungs: GET THE FUCK OUT!"

"Doesn't this tent belong to someone else?" Tails asked.

"SHUT UP BEFORE I TAKE AN AXE TO YOUR HEAD!" The forest guardian threatened.

The Lorax started to charge at Tails, but he stopped when the door to the cottage swung open and The Once-ler came out, wearing a pink apron. "What's going on out here?" He asked in that firm parent-type way. He glanced at Sonic and then at the other two new guys. "Oh! You found your friends!"

"IS _THAT_ YOUR BOYFRIEND?"

Sonic whipped around and faced Amy. "I'M NOT GAY!" He screamed in her face. Sonic then faced The Once-ler. "Yes, I found my friends." His voice had no trace of anger. It was completely friendly.

 _"Damn..."_ The Once-ler said softly. "Well, I made pancakes for breakfast. There's plenty for everybody here." He went back inside, shortly followed by everyone else, including the wildlife because The Once-ler was good at feeding them their unnatural food.

The Once-ler handed Sonic, Tails, Amy, and The Lorax a plate with one pancake on each. If it weren't for the food, The Lorax wouldn't be here. He's a greedy fucker when it comes to food. The Once-ler chucked a few pancakes on the ground for the wildlife and tossed one to Melvin, who was standing in the doorway since he wasn't allowed inside. The mule caught it in his mouth and backed away from the door, going over to his grazing spot.

When everyone else had sat down with their food, The Once-ler settled down next to the new fox guy on the bed. "So," he tried to start a conversation to get to know him. "What's your name?" He asked, folding his pancake in half to eat since he didn't have a knife and fork.

"My names Tails. It's nice to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you, too, Tails." They shook hands. "By the way, that name suits you."

"Yeah, I get that a lot. Maybe too often. And hey, where'd you get your apron from?"

"Oh, this thing?" The Once-ler slightly tugged on it. "I stole it from my mother."

Across the room, on the floor, Sonic and The Lorax were sitting side by side. Sonic started talking. "If I ever get _real_ _pissed_ one day, I'll just use Amy as a punching bag to release my anger. She's too obsessed with me to mind it."

"That sounds like a good idea," said The Lorax without an aggressive tone, surprisingly.

Sonic stopped eating. "I'm happy that we're finally having a nice conversation."

"Yeah, not for long." The Lorax stood up and moved to another spot. _Fuck you, then,_ Sonic thought to himself.

Amy then took the empty spot beside Sonic. "Isn't this a wonderful breakfast date?"

"This is _not_ a date. I will _never_ date you."

"Oh, you're so funny Sonic."

 _"God have mercy on my soul,"_ Sonic whispered in a desperate tone.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

The Lorax was listening to everything that was being said from across the room and was trying to stifle his laughs. Sonic glared at him.


	5. Chapter 4: Homeless

Eggman and Gru had hidden behind the buildings that surrounded the town square. They had no plan to get back home... yet. Gru had suggested a few ideas, but Eggman thought they were all stupid. They were now watching the people of Greenville from an alleyway. Eggman's main focus was the other two that the piss rock had teleported, the American and Mexican.

"Why don't we just team up with them?" Gru asked.

"I _do not_ want that," Eggman faced Gru. "Something's not sitting right with that green cunt. And teaming with you is bad enough." He looked back out and saw that green cunt and his friend were gone. "Come on. Let's do some more exploring while we can."

"We haven't even interacted with them yet." Eggman ignored Gru and just grabbed his arm and yanked him out onto the pathway.

* * *

They had spent the first night on a couple of side by side benches like homeless people. A motel room was something they couldn't afford at the moment. They had no choice but to go with the benches. The fat cunt with the weird looking bush on his upper lip had made fun of homeless people before. He always said things like "just buy a house, lmao" to them. Suck shit, Eggman. This is your life for the next 10 years. _Why do I feel like Sonic's writing this?_ Both of their backs hurt like Hell. Eggman wished for Satan to just drag him down to Hell and shove a trident up his ass already.

"Why is this so hard?" Eggman asked nobody, sitting up.

"That's what she said." That earned Gru a glare. "When can we start earning money for a motel room?"

"If you want a room so badly, you can get off your ass and make money yourself," Eggman told him, sounding like your parents.

"But I don't know what to do. Do I pose as a homeless man and make a sign asking for money for food?"

"We're literally homeless at the moment, so yes!"

Two familiar people caught Eggman and Gru's eyes. _Oh God, not them again._ Across the town square was the American and Mexican. The American was counting dollar dollar bills while the Mexican was staring off into space. _How the fuck did they get so much_ _money?_ The American then pulled something out from his jumper pocket and placed it into the Mexican's hands. "STOP- I DON'T WANT YOUR HANDOUTS, MAN!" The Mexican shouted, throwing whatever it was onto the ground. The American picked it up and shoved it into the other's chest.

Gru turned back to Eggman. "Where do I find cardboard and something to write with?"

"STOP ASKING ME ALL THIS SHIT!" Eggman snapped. Gru got up from his bench and speed walked away.

Eggman looked across the town square. The American started to walk off with the other guy following. Both of them were heading to that shitty motel Gru wanted to stay in. "Those _fucking_ CUNTS!" Eggman yelled out of jealousy.


End file.
